What Is A Relationship? Why Does How We Relate Matter?

Image credit: Gordon Johnson via Pixabay

Whenever I speak of relationships, I’m as misunderstood as when I say I’m a massage therapist. Assumptions kick in and there’s no budging. Folks, assumptions are killers of quality of life, mind, and heart - and relationships. Remember when we were once taught that to assume makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me”?

re·la·tion·ship

noun

the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I’ve been manually and professionally studying all forms of relationships since I was a child. My own laboratory kind of study, not repeating the knowledge of those who came before me, as amazing as much of it is

My conclusion is that we have a serious education problem in this world. No one seems to think that how we relate to every person, place or thing matters. Guess what? It’s the only thing that matters. Our quality of relating is the foundation for everything else. Everything.

See those dotted lines in the image? Those depict physical, invisible energy, like electricity, being shared and received every time we come into contact with another. We could call that energy exchange “lines of attitude.” By any  name, you know how it feels when someone is coming at you with a bad attitude. They don’t need to say a word. You feel it.
Our attitude and behavior toward any person, place, or thing that we encounter determines the quality of relating. Today, I’m talking about how we choose to relate, person-to-person at every level.

Creating good quality relationships means expending effort.
By effort, I do not mean become so engaged in effort that you become dogmatic. That’s extreme. Extremism is the number one no-no if you want anything that resembles a healthy relationship.

When I speak of effort, I speak of the minimum, basic, consistent energy required to be good to people, whether we like them or not, whether we know them or not. That minimum effort will look differently to different people. We all have our own skillsets. Adjust accordingly. Avoid extremes.

Strong emotions are usually behind extreme behaviors. Every human emotion is valid, even the bad ones. Yet, there is never justification for taking our emotions out on anyone. It is also important not to criticize or mock a person’s emotions. Emotions are how the body communicates to us, and unlike ourselves, the body never lies. I’ll likely talk more about that one day, too.

For some, no effort is required to love everyone. Yet when loving comes easy, it’s also easy to assume and project our assumptions. So if you are a lover of humanity like I am, put in the effort to see and accept the individuality of each person instead of assuming sameness. Love, but proceed with caution.

For others, much effort is required to love everyone! There are many reasons to lose faith in humanity, yet effort must be made. See the commonalities: We all want to be cared about, right? So, even if humanity isn’t your thing, don’t project your assumptions onto other people, either. Do the best you can to return to caring, because if we don't care we are all doomed.​

Always keep in mind that every person has their own history and views, whether they were born or made. Don't assume. Don't ask for people's backstories, either. MYOB on that one. You can tell by a person's attitude and actions whether they are humanity lovers or haters. Respond accordingly, yet respectfully.

My Story
I've had to deal with a lot of toxic attitudes and behaviors, including serious threats. Bad attitudes are screaming for a little respect, so put more effort into showing respect. Anger demands to be heard and believed. When a person is in an angry rage? Give them permission to get it out of their system, get out of the way, and then don't judge them for it. In fact, believing people, whether you agree with them or not, is the greatest gift you can give. It is better to risk believing a liar than to ever disbelieve an innocent. The body doesn't lie, but emotions can be faked. Still, it is better to believe unless you have evidence.

Confession: I have a string of failed family and other relationships. Why? Because I did not know that other people did not know what I knew by instinct. I was born knowing that the only way to be happy is to be good to each other. Attitude being of major importance. To me it is so obvious that I fall mute before those who don’t see it. Well, I am mute no more. Too many people are suffering. I would have spoken up sooner if I had identified the problem sooner. Instead, I did what all good people do when they don't know people: I assumed and projected like a good girl empath. I also suffered the consequences. I also wigged out a few times from the cognitive dissonance.

There’s only one way out of our own suffering:
Be aware, attentive, and respectful at all times, even if someone has done us wrong. If we have been wronged, seek justice not revenge. If we have wronged someone, we need to make it right.

Get in the habit of being clear and assertive with everyone you meet and know. Unspoken needs don’t get met, so speak up. There are books and courses on assertiveness training. With clarity and assertiveness, we can create the kind of world we claim we want to live in.

Up next: How to Make Any Relationship Work by Creating The Right Atmosphere